Hi! I’m Brandy Borne – a 31 year-old bottle-blonde who came running back after her divorce (my bad) to her little mid-western river town to live with Mother (a.k.a. Vivian; 70s; exact age known only to her).

Since opening our booth in an antiques mall, we’ve been involved in a number of murder cases, which we’ve written about in our Trash ‘n’ Treasures mystery series.

It’s May – the flowers are blooming, trees in full foliage, and today I’m up early for me (seven o’clock). After a quick shower, I put on my favorite dark-wash DKNY jeans and a purple Three Dots t-shirt.

(Vivian: Dear, no one cares what you’re wearing…move the narrative along.)

Downstairs, I find Sushi – my brown-and-white blind diabetic shih tzu – in the kitchen, patiently waiting for her shot of insulin, the price she pays before eating breakfast.

My breakfast is a bowl of Mini Wheats and 2% milk, coffee, a small glass of orange juice, and…

(Vivian: You’re booooring us, dear.)

…a Prozac pill – necessary since coming back to live with Mother. I check Mother’s daily pill container to make sure she’s current with her bi-polar medication, as unfortunate things can happen if she isn’t.

(Vivian: Whatever do you mean? )

(Brandy: Like the time you mailed all our doorknobs to President Nixon.)

(Vivian: That was a very long time ago dear.)

(Brandy: Or driving across a cornfield and hitting a combine? )

(Vivian: That could happen to anyone at night.)

Anyway, several months ago Mother and I won a storage locker auction (see the current Antiques Disposal) and among the contents was an original Superman drawing, dated 1946, signed by the creators, Siegel and Shuster. After contacting a few comic art experts, we were told the art was worth a good deal of money. Rather than sell it on E-bay, we decided to put the drawing up for auction at the New York Comic Convention this summer.

Probably not very likely we’ll get involved in another murder mystery there….

Vivian Borne, here (a.k.a Mother). First of all, I feel it extremely unfair that I’m relegated to playing second fiddle, forced to use some of my precious word count (no more than 300) defending myself.

(Brandy: You’ve had asides.)

(Vivian: The occasional audience clarification is necessary, dear – ask Shakespeare, or Bob Hope.)

Regarding my medication, I only take that otherwise pointless bi-polar drug because if I don’t, my daughter threatens to go off her anti-depressant. And you don’t want to be around her when that happens – geeesh, what a grouch!

As far as the cornfield incident…I was due on-stage at the Community Playhouse, playing the lead in “Everybody Loves Opal,” and while combines can be replaced, Vivian Borne cannot! (At least Brandy didn’t mention that unfortunate cow.)

Unlike my sleepy-head daughter, I am up at the crack of dawn, hopping in the tub (as much as a woman with two artificial hips can hop) for a luxurious soak. Then I put on one of my outfits by Breckenridge, who so wisely incorporate elastic waists in all their slacks.

(Brandy: No one cares what you’re wearing.)

Where was I? Another reason for traveling to New York to sell that Super sketch is to take a cross-country trip by car and finally find dear Aunt Olive.

You see, Aunt Olive was made into a paperweight. Or her ashes were, to be more precise. I was entrusted with her, but during one of my yard sales Aunt Olive was accidentally sold to a woman visiting from Akron. So I feel somewhat responsible.

(Brandy: Completely responsible. You’re the one who kept Auntie among the other paperweights so she could have a little company.)

(Vivian: Well, you’re the one who decided to cull our paperweight collection! )

So, dear reader, let this be a warning to those who feel they must do something special with a loved one’s ashes – nothing so mundane as burial at sea or being spread over the grounds of a beloved shopping center.

Well, my word count is up, so on behalf of Brandy and myself, you’re invited to join us on our further mysterious escapades.

Oh! Brandy informs me I have fourteen more words! Shoot! Now I only have

You can read more about Brandy and Vivian in ANTIQUES DISPOSAL, the sixth book in the “Trash ‘n’ Treasures” mystery series. The first book in the series is ANTIQUES ROADKILL.

Books are available at retail and online booksellers.

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