Hey, there folks! My name is Elmo Simpson I’m the proprietor of Elmo’s Critter Removal, a service that specializes in the humane removal and relocation of critters of all shapes and sizes from homes and businesses in the greater Paradise Springs, Florida area.

It’s a different kind of job, one that offers new and different experiences every day. Which fits right in with Paradise Springs, a town filled with more eccentrics and oddballs than any other place I’ve ever been. In fact, the only part of my day that has any normalcy to it is first thing in the morning. That’s when my cat Oscar wakes me up at 6:30 sharp, ready for breakfast.

After he’s taken care of, I check for emergency removal requests. I live in the Florida panhandle, not far from the sugar sand beaches of the Gulf of Mexico. That means a removal request may involve anything from a wild boar to an alligator to an owl. The level of emergency is usually defined by the state of panic the customer is in. The higher the level of panic, the higher the service call goes on my priority list. Get in, do the job, then get out. With a minimum of fuss. That’s my goal.

When I’m not rehoming critters, I make scheduled inspection visits and fit in sales calls when I can. Normally, I conduct my inspections once per month. I have one client, a restaurant owner, who insists on weekly inspections, though. I think it’s overkill, but when you’re providing a service to the internationally famous Chef Claudine, you do what she says. Afterall, the woman made Gordon Ramsey cry. I sure don’t want to get on her bad side.

Sometimes, the critters I remove need medical care, like a bat with an injured wing, so I have a few shelters that provide those animals with a safe place to recover. A vet comes by to check on them and as soon as she tells me they’re recovered, I take them to a safe place and let them go. One time, she joked that, with all the places my job takes me, I probably know where all the bodies are buried. While I can neither confirm nor deny, doing my work in the background has its advantages. Who knows? Maybe someday someone will ask me to play super spy or private investigator, and I’ll get to see how “invisible” I really can be.

When the day job is complete, I like to hang out on my patio with Oscar reading something from Mark Tawin or Carl Hiaasen. If I’m in the mood to be sociable, I’ll head to the Riptide Barbeque Shack to enjoy some fantastic food and hang out with friends.

It’s a good life. It’s not complicated, except when I’m on the outs with my on-again, off-again girlfriend Nic. That’s a story for another day, though. I have good friends, good weather (discounting the hurricanes), and a good job. It’s just the way I like. Raise a glass with me in the hope that things stay that way. Cheers!

Panic in the Panhandle, An Elmo Simpson Mystery Book 1
Genre: Cozy Mystery
Release: September 2024
Format: Digital, Print to come
Purchase Link

This is no ordinary wild animal removal call…

In the sleepy panhandle of Florida, Benjamin “Elmo” Simpson has carved out a comfortable niche as the go-to wild animal removal specialist. Life is sweet until a peculiar service request takes him to a local condo and an unexpected scene. Retired lawyer Fran Cohen is missing and in his apartment is a well-fed alligator that appears to have enjoyed a nice breakfast with…or rather, of…Fran.

All evidence points toward murder, and local alligator farmer, Waldo “Rambo” Quigley has the motive and the means. When Rambo pleads for help to clear his name, old debts and a history of friendship leave Elmo no choice but to investigate. With his girlfriend, Nicola, by his side, and Rambo’s freedom on the line, Elmo’s on the hunt for the real killer, but don’t panic…Elmo’s got a plan…sort of. Maybe.

Reptilian clues lead to unexpected allies, and the call of danger is addictive. Can Elmo uncover the identity of Fran’s killer before becoming the next victim, removed from the scene like an unwanted pest?

About the author
J.C. Kenney is the bestselling author of mysteries full of oddball characters in unusual settings. He’s also the co-host of The Bookish Hour and The Bookish Moment webcasts. When he’s not writing, you can find him following IndyCar racing or listening to music. He has two grown children and lives in Indianapolis with his wife and a cat. You can find him at jckenney.com.