“JT! Shay! Get the lead out!” Eddy Quartermaine bellowed from the Rabbit Hole, her voice carrying through her living room and into her kitchen. Who ever would have thought this old Victorian that housed Eddy’s apartment in the rear and the Rabbit Hole in the front would be witness to, of all things, a clown wedding?
Two days ago, at Rocky’s insistence, Eddy—my dear friend and second mom—had ordained herself online. Now she could officiate weddings, and as Rocky liked to say, “join people in ultimate holy matrimony and bliss.”
It was the long, floppy shoes that were slowing me down. Mostly because I could hardly bend over. The laces on the oversized footwear weren’t cooperating.
How did we ever get into this?
Because we loved Rocky, our fact spewing, endearing middle-aged-but-going-on-about-fifteen savant friend, that’s why.
I tugged the loops tight and then double-knotted them, praying they’d stay put. I straightened and looked down at the floor. I couldn’t see my feet because of the two pillows that were stuffed belly level in my red-and-yellow-striped clown jump suit. If I tripped, I’d go down like a neon-striped whale.
“You done?” JT asked as she shuffled into the kitchen. She was sporting the same duds, but her color palate was green and pink.
“Yeah, I think so.”
“Don’t forget this.” The smirk in her voice was loud and clear as she picked up the red foam ball from the table and shoved it on my nose.
“Thaks, I thick.”
I followed JT as she waddled in greeny pinkish glory through Eddy’s living room and into the Hole.
Tables had been pushed aside. Four rows of two chairs were lined up in front of the fireplace, filled with Rocky’s favorite Rabbit Hole customers.
Dawg, my boxer, and Bogey, JT’s bloodhound, were lying on either side of the unlit grate, periodically trying to chuff off the red balls Rocky had stuck on their noses.
Eddy stood in front of the paper heart-covered hearth, a high-styling ringmaster of this insane fete. A black top hat sat at a jaunty angle on her head above a red velvet tuxedo jacket with epaulets of gold braid. Beneath the jacket, she wore a white ruffled shirt with a red bowtie. Her short legs were encased in black pants that were tucked into knee-high black boots, which came about thigh-high on the poor woman. We hadn’t been able to find anything that fit her shortness, and she looked like a kid who’d raided her mother’s—or in this case—her father’s, closet.
On Eddy’s left, Rocky, wearing blue and purple stripes and a delighted grin, faced the small audience.
Coop, my best friend and Rocky’s best man, was a step behind the groom. Coop towered over Rocky, looking like an escaped convict in orange and black.
On Eddy’s right, there was room for Tulip, and then came Kate, the Hole’s co-owner, and her sister Anna. They were dual maids of honor in matching bright-red and green. They looked like deranged Christmas elves.
JT and I were Rocky’s “grooms-girls,” and we took our places beside Coop to await Tulip’s grand entrance.
One of the coffee shop regulars, who was seated in the front row, asked, “Now?”
“You betcha,” Eddy said.
He whipped out a kazoo and tooted a rousing rendition of Here Comes the Bride.
After about fifteen seconds, Tulip marched in. She was clad in a baggy white t-shirt with narrow black horizontal stripes. Fuchsia polka dot suspenders held up raggedy jeans. Maroon shoes and a straw hat took care of the rest.
Rocky squeaked in delight when he saw Tulip. His entire body vibrated with excitement.
Tulip lurched to a stop beside Rocky, a gigantic smile on her white-grease-painted face. She reached over and honked the clown horn Rocky had hooked to his belt a couple of times. He beamed and they both turned to Eddy.
With a few words from her pseudo-honor, Rocky and Tulip exchanged very short vows consisting of dual “yeses” to Eddy’s question of who took whom. Tie-dye neck kerchiefs were exchanged, and it was all over in seconds.
Eddy turned them to face the audience and announced, “May I present to you Rocky and Tulip, bound together forever in, ah, ultimate holy matrimony and bliss. Rocky, you may kiss the bride.”
Cheers and applause erupted as rainbow confetti sailed through the air. As the colorful pieces fluttered toward the floor, Rocky said, “In 2010, there were 2,096,000 marriages in these United States. The divorce rate is at fifty percent. That means there’s a fifty percent chance my Tulip and I will make it to forever and a fifty percent chance we won’t. But I’m not worried. I love her one hundred percent!” Rocky plastered a big smacker on Tulip, and they strolled hand in hand down the aisle and out the Hole’s front door. A brightly festooned horse-drawn carriage waited curbside to whisk the newlyweds off to their circus reception at the Hands On Toy Company and Game Room.
Yup, it was just another crazy day in my crazy life. Little did I know that my life was about to get even loonier when JT made the decision to drag me to the Minnesota Renaissance Festival two weeks later. You can check that insanity out in my newest adventure, Pickle in the Middle Murder, available now!
Jessie is giving away two (2) copies of PICKLE IN THE MIDDLE MURDER. Leave a comment to be included in the giveaway. The book will be shipped directly from the author. Contest ends July 16; US entries only.
You can read more about Shay in Pickle in the Middle Murder , the third book in the “Shay O’Hanlon” caper series. The first book in the series is Bingo Barge Murder.
Meet the author
Jessie Chandler is the author of the Shay O’Hanlon Caper series, the Vice President of the Twin Cities chapter of Sisters in Crime, and a member of Mystery Writer’s of America. Her debut novel, Bingo Barge Murder, won the Ann Bannon Popular Choice Award from the Golden Crown Literary Society. In her spare time, Chandler sells unique, artsy T-shirts and other assorted trinkets to unsuspecting conference and festival goers. She is a former police officer and resides in Minneapolis.
Visit her online at her website or on Facebook.
Books are available at retail and online booksellers.
I’d love to win!
This sounds good and I love the title! Thanks for the giveaway!
another cozy series that’s been on my WishList!!
thank you for the giveaway!!
I don’t care for clowns, but the description of the festivities sounded interesting (except I read that one line as “unholy matrimony and bliss,” which made things even more attractive). The characters sound like “people” I’d like to get to know better. dz87507 at gmail dot com
I have not read this series yet. Thank you for the chance to win
Where can we find her t-shirts. If they are as wacky, fun, and interesting as her books, I’d like one!!! Dee
This books sounds so good, I love the name. I would love to win this cozy book 🙂
Thanks for introducing me to a new series!
This sounds like a real fun book. Thanks for the chance to win.
Jessie!!!! Dru!!!! This is more fun than a barrel full of knock-knock jokes!
knock, knock 😉
who’s there?
Another new series to try! Thanks for the opportunity to win a copy of this book!
A clown wedding would be very interesting.
Sounds like some wonderfully quirky characters in this book—I must read.
suefarrell.farrell@gmail.com
This book sounds like so much fun!!
Would love to win it!
Crazy fun!
Sounds very quirky!
Ok, so clowns don’t exactly do it for me, but this sounds funny and interesting. Count me in for the giveaway Dru.
I own the first book in this series, would love to win this one!
Sounds fun. Thanks for offering the giveaway.
I’d be tickled to read about pickles. Please “pick” me 🙂 judydee22002@yahoo dot com
Sounds like a fun read. I love humor mixed with mystery.
I have just found thanks to you another new author I am adding to my tbr stack. My family may not see me for a very long time. I’m hoping to win the giveaway, but thanks either way for offering.
Wow!!!! Some excellent responses LOL Thank you all for reading and commenting!!! I know clones aren’t a favorite topic of a lot of people, and I don’t think they’re exactly a favorite to my main character, Shay O’Hanlon. But, as all good friends do, she puts up with it and muddles through LOL
CLOWNS! Not clones! That’s a whole different story!
Hey Jessie, I was going to say where did Clones come from. LOL!
WoW! Sounds like a fun read.Would love to win this one! Thanks so much.
this was perfect just what i needed on a monday and of course i’d love to win, too ; )
I would love to read more about Shay in this new to me series! Don’t know how I’ve missed it–turns out Jessie is a home state author! The Renaissance Festival would be a great setting or visit for these characters! Any cameos by some of those famed characters out there!?
What a terrific title, and I love the character. Another book to add to my wish list.
Thanks Jessie for stopping by and letting us in on Shay’s day.
Awesome awesome comments, folks!!!! Holden, yay for MN and the Ren Fest! The Tortuga Twins are mentioned, as well as Smelly Bears and wax roses. Dru Ann Love, thanks you so much for this great blog!!!
Going, to add to my read list, also tell my kids & grand kids that this one of the books, I want to read. I can picture Rocky & Tulip, getting married, then the horse drawn carriage. It will be top seller, the plot seem great, that flows smoothly.
contest is closed.
How did I miss this book?